(no subject)

mMmmmmmMMMMmmmmMMMmmm.

Today I realized how boring and reptitive my life is. I wish I didn't work so much. but is it worth it never to have to worry about money? I don't know. I like being able to... buy things.

Mostly, I'm very content. but worried I'm getting lethargic. I'd rather not be lazily content with what I have. I'd rather do things. like new big things.

However, living with Lily is wonderful. We get along so much better than I would have even expected. We manage to share clothes and a car and live in the same house and have the same job without conflict. and we just enjoy each other's company. it's a pretty perfect living situation.

having Alex around all the time is beautiful. He's perfect. When he leaves for california, I'm not really sure how I'm gonna get by. But I will, and so for now I'm just choosing not to think about it.

ALSO, I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE COMES HOME FOR THANKSGIVING.
I miss everyoneeeeee everydayyyyy. and I'm so excited to show off the apartment in all its new splendor. and show off my man. and love and cuddle and love for a couple weeks.

I have 3 hours before I have to go back to neon. I really really am gonna go to the gym. but prolly take a nap instead.

(no subject)

I made lots of money tonight, but I don't get to spend any of it.

I don't think there's been a day in the last month where I haven't been stressed out and anxious and depressed and frustrated. the apartment doesn't seem real anymore. but like... because I haven't visited in a week. fuckingFUCKFUCKFUCK. I don't know.



I need a cigarette.


a month ago, every time I came home from work on a school night, I'd sit outside and have a cigarette and call Aidan and we'd talk about things.


oh. well.

(no subject)

I don't have to work much this week, so all my free time will be spent moving my entire life to 148 College St.
WHAT?
I know. It's so weird.

But it should be great. I just spent the last two days there. and it was very nice.

(no subject)

I'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scaredI'm scared to be alone.

that statement is applicable to pretty much every part of my life right now.

My boss really screwed me over this week. just because he's a dick. and it made me realize how delicate my situation is. and how easily anyone could completely ruin me.

if cruiser doesn't sort this out for me, I probably won't be able to make rent on June 1st.

my loathing for everyone rich increases everyday. if Vinnie were to close the restaurant for a week, it wouldn't put a dent in his wallet, but I could possibly end up homeless.

My last oddfellow's performance ever was last night. It hit me just as I walked offstage after the curtain call. and I cried hysterically, and then just kind of pushed the feeling down. and today CW randomly texted me: "you gave it a great run and it was fun acting with you. you went out with a bang and I'm gonna miss you." and I cried some more.

today was such a shitty day. I just cried a lot. about nothing.

I realize that I'm waiting for someone else to make me happy, and that's not right. but I simply don't know how to do it myself. I never have.

(no subject)

all I hear about, all I think about is MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.


that's one of my lines from american clock. but it is so fucking applicable.

I GOT THE KEYS TO MY APARTMENT TODAY.

but I owe my mom over $1300 and I have to start paying rent in June and I've had to ask for so many days off lately. and I'm just getting nervous.

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel like nobody is ever listening to me.






KSJDHFKSDJHFSKDJGKDFJNGKDJNFGKSDJFJSLDKJFLSKKEEEEEEEERJOSIDJFSLKDGKLSMDFLSKDMFLSKMF.

(no subject)

I'm ready to feel pretty again.

I've been in such a rut the last couple weeks. I hate myself when I'm not happy. Negative Nancy's are the worst.


God, I just hate who I am so much right now.